HIP-HOP MILESTONES OF 2005 1. Jay-Z & Nas Perform Live On Stage Together 2. Kanye's G.O.O.D. Music imprint scores 20 Grammy nods, post-Katrina Bush dis 3. Fugees Reunite and Actually Release Something 4. Jay-Z Signs The Roots to Def Jam 5. Busta Cuts His Dreads (?) DOIN' DUMB SHIT: THE 2005 RAP DARWIN AWARDS 1. Mike Jones' Mobile Phone Bill It seems as if Mike Jones - the Houston rapper who shouted out his personal phone number in several of his songs, not to mention printing it on his album cover and t-shirts, didn't really look for the best mobile minutes plan before doing so. The rapper was hit with a $250,000 Sprint bill, thanks to the hundreds of thousands of hangers-on who wanted to be weird and call a celebrity that they don't know. Maybe his album should have been called "What Is Mike Jones' Phone Number?". 2. Not Very Slim Slim Thug Names His Still Not Platinum Album, "Already Platinum" Bad move, fella. You can file this under other famous last words in hip-hop, such as Dr. Dre proclaiming "I don't smoke weed or cess / because it gives a brother brain damage / and brain damage on the mic don't manage" and then releasing "The Chronic", or Large Professor frequently dropping "Main Source forever," just before the group's break-up. We guess it kind of fits, if by "Already Platinum", he meant "fucking delusional". 3. DJ Green Lantern Is Filmed Betraying 50 Cent DJ Green Lantern was fired as Eminem's deejay, because he accidentally was caught on videotape telling Jadakiss what 50 Cent had planned to do next, during the two rappers short-lived lyrical fued. The footage was shown one of those hood mixtape DVD's, was eventually seen by 50, thus leading to his termination. G.L. however saved face by delivering the incredible Fort Minor "We Major" mixtape a few months later. 4. Puffy Redefines The Word "Duets" for 2006! Bad Boy! What!?!? Do you know how big of a celebrity Diddy is? He was able to make the word "duets" - which in music, usually refers to a coupling of two artists performing together - mean something entirely different! With Bad Boy's half-assed, recycled B.I.G. release entitled "Duets", all but three songs on the 20+ track LP featured at least three artists. Maybe "Trios" or "Collabos" would have been better titles. Or even, "Shitty Biggie Album". 5. Houston, Eye Have A Problem Eye jammie! A suicide attempt is nothing to joke about, but damn, Houston gouging his own eye out during an unsuccessful one, surely can be chalked up to some dumb shit. We don't know how bad his personal life is/was, but the kid had a hit single on the radio and lots of potential. Now, instead he has to explain to his fans why his "Eye Like That". THE TOP FIVE BITCH MOVES OF THE YEAR 1. Dave Mays Gives Lil Kim's Manager 5 Orgasms, Mics Not that we are at all surprised at The Source's backwards-ass ratings scale these days, but they delivered the shocker of the year when they awarded Lil' Kim's lousy "The Naked Truth", a perfect, 5 Mic rating. Especially considering allegedly Source owner, Dave Mays, is in bed with Kim's manager, Hillary Weston. And by "in bed", we mean "honey, you're stealing all of the covers". That's bed sheets, not magazine covers (or is it?). 2. Little Brother: Too Smart For T.V. So we all know that BET isn't exactly the station it was a decade ago, but damn. They had already shunned De La Soul and The Beatnuts for not being "culturally relevant" to their audience in 2004, but their next bad executive decision in 2005 was even worse. After deciding not to air Little Brother's "Lovin It" video despite the fact the album was receiving ridiculous critical acclaim - they allegedly went out on a limb and called the video "too intelligent" for it's audience. What does that say about you as a viewer? Maybe Little Brother's album title hit a little too close to home for the folks at BET - art imitating life and all. Granted, they did end up deciding to air the video - FOUR MONTHS LATER! Fuckers. 3. Shortsighted 50 Cent Creates Beef With His Most Commercially Viable Artist Always a hog for the spotlight, in order to create some extra press for his upcoming album, "The Massacre", 50 created a beef with his own artist, The Game, possibly because Game was generating crazy buzz on his already released "The Documentary". 50 even went out on a limb, threatening his bosses, Dr. Dre and Eminem, saying that if they didn't side with him, he'd sign to another label. This of course, led to Game's defection from G-Unit, and a host of bad mixtape dis records from both parties. 4. Benzino: More Fun Than A Barrel of Slut-Monkeys Yet another publication talked bad about The Source, but for some reason this particular one really pissed Benzino off. Maybe dude was on the rag, but he totally flipped on editor of Ozone Magazine's (Julia Beverly) voicemail. Mind you that Beverly is a pretty small, nerdy looking white chick, one who Zno went off on like she was a dude. Aside from telling the "cracker" he'd "spit in her face", he suggested other colorful euphemisms that might work as good evidence in the pending sexual harrassment suit with Kim Osario. While Benzino thought this was a pretty private voicemail, Ozone Magazine put the audio on their website for all to hear - Benzino's cel phone number included (Mike Jones!). Taking it to a whole new level, Funkmaster Flex then broadcasted the message multiple times on Hot 97 radio, calling him "disgusting". Who's the "Slut Monkey" now? 5. Author Karrine "Superhead" Steffans, Gets Rich, Syphilis Karrine "Superhead" Steffans (um, the "superhead" part is not because she's smart), is an admitted rap groupie, who in her book, "Confessions of A Video Vixen" confesses to having sex with just about every major hip-hop artist out there. It's sad to know that she made a bunch of money off of this, while respectable women still walk around struggling. A true bitch move. --

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